Thoughts Post- TGC

I have been staying away from blogging because I felt stumped by what I had last written and then took down. I feel I have some resolve in my personal feminist dilemma, but that isn't what I want/need to write down and process.

Lannie, Eric and I attended the Gospel Coalition in Chicago over the last few days. I felt out of place to be in the midst of Pastors from all over, church planters, book-writers, people of God who are "contributing" to the kingdom. Yet in this shallow thought, God lovingly reminded me of His grace for all, that we ALL are offensive and filthy before a Holy God, without the gospel. Seminary degree or not,  church planting or not, book writing or not, we were all called to be at TGC for his purpose and design.

Of the many things I have learned, re-discovered, re-remembered about the Gospel, one thing stands out of what I most needed to be corrected on. God delivers his people in Exodus 14 out of the Red Sea but His mercy and power. The people did nothing to receive it, to earn it, and did nothing to "contribute" to the promiseland. God brought them from death (from the gaining Egyptians) to life, walking scratch free out of Egypt and looking back on the collapsed world power. How mistaken I was to believe I could contribute to Kingdom work, that if I was not "contributing," there was a sense of uselessness and despair. God does all of the work for us, He will bring the final consummation of his Kingdom, He regenerates us to even be qualified to step into His Kingdom. He is not like a slave driver forcing our hands into ministry after ministry, and if we should stop or rest we are worthless slaves. Contrarily, He freed us from our slavery.

Oh, how tender it is to be convicted by the Spirit. To not aggressively force my head into shame for my poor understanding of the gospel and poor understanding of Kingdom work, but rather whisper love and encouragement into my life. Revealing truth that is loving and uplifting, while in nature absolutely requiring of repentance.

Work has been a journey, the hardest of which has been my inability to control my sunday schedule, often working and unable to go to church. More than missing the sermons, I miss the people. I miss my sunday school class. I miss that there was an accountability on me, to prepare, love, pray for the people. I miss seeing faces that joyously rejoice in song over words like "You give and take away, You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Blessed be the name of the Lord." In no longer being a part of such a vital part of my life has been isolating, tiring. And the easiest lie to succumb to is that because I am no longer "doing" anything for church, I am thus not "doing" anything for God and therefore useless to Him.

I am reminded of God's full, relentless love for me. His heart that pursues after mine to worship and obey the One true God, not the church, not the busyness of church that receives much approval from man. I am reminded of the importance of church life outside sundays, how in need I am of community and prayer, and how I need to so guard my heart with faith that would quench the lies of the enemy, the word that would penetrate and deem lies useless to me, and daily reminders of the gospel, my salvation, my identity-- that i am made alive and regenerated into holy love and joy through the righteousness that was given to me through the substitutionary death of Jesus, the Son of God, and that in his death and resurrection, I was chosen to worship forever  a Holy God with no need for sacrifice for the countless inequities i have committed.

Who can love like Jesus? Who can reveal my own heart like He? Who lies my weary soul into pastures and brings my head to still waters? Who is like the God we serve? Let no man, no lie from the enemy, no sin of the flesh, no idolatry lead me away from Him who is life giving and who is the fullest, most clear example of unconditioned love.

Pearl Harbor Thoughts

There is absolutely nothing to do at night except watch tv. So for the like 4th time, i've watched bits and pieces of "Pearl Harbor" and i have mostly nothing good to say about it but there is one scene that I do particularly like.

1:51-3:53

Man. As a nurse-- could I do this? In case of some huge crisis where mass chaos, carnage overwhelm hospitals, would I be able to step up? Would I be able to remain calm, focused? Would I be able to send people to their deaths while triaging for the ones who have a chance? Scenes like this make me proud to be a part of this profession, but I wonder which instinct would win out. I'd love to say I'd fight through and be like Kate Beckinsale, but to be honest I think i'd be more like Jennifer Garner. I've never seen this kind of trauma on this scale in real life, and its too hard to say what I'd do in real life.

The best scenario I can compare to is seeing the crowded filled hallways and room in Mulago Labor and Delivery. I wanted to run so bad. The whole scene was heart breaking and daunting. I left and never went back, but maybe that was because I had a choice. In real life, i'd be there regardless of if I wanted in or out, does that change a person's instinctual response? Hm. Scenes like this also make me reflect on end times. I dont' know whats going to happen, but that there could potentially be some dark times ahead. I am reminded of Luke 21: 22-23 " for these are days of vengeance, to fulfill all that is written, Alas for women who are pregnant and for those who are nursing infants in those days! For there will be great distress upon the earth and wrath against this people." This was one of the verses that made me want to pursue women's healthcare and midwifery. Jesus takes pity on these people group of pregnant women and new mothers, it feels like an indirect call to help them.

Who knows where all of this will go or how it will go down. But I am thankful God is enough and is strong enough to take me where I may be unwilling to go.

New Years and stuff

My primary resolution is finish what I say I will do.

I need to do my laundry. I need to read more. Most of all I need to pray with joy again.

Maybe in all the wear and tear of the years, seeing some prayer requests answered, seeing some still up in the air, a part of me has lost the will to pray because i fear and stopped believing they would be heard. If I pray in thanks only for how the day had already went, the requirement for faith is significantly less because it already happened. How do I get to a more prayerfully bold life? Is it through prayer meeting? One of the first times I fell in love with prayer was in the covenant chapel with a few brothers and sisters. We had powerful prayers, we had devoted, desperate prayers. Of course I realize its not the meeting, but the community that made it so wonderful. But in order to get there, is a prayer meeting in order? Maybe, but I also want real personal prayer too. I'm having a hard time bridging what I want and what I do.

Things that draw my spirit closer to Christ:
1. Worship music, especially worship with a body of believers. There is something beautifully special about worshiping in community, I feel a togetherness and it makes me free before God.
2. Blogging, I try to think of interesting or deeper things to write about and it tends to steer my thoughts closer to Christ, of course not all the time, but for the most part .
3. Book club- a few friends have been gathering to read and discuss christian books and its helped increase my knowelege and thoughts about ministry. Also, whenever i read a christian book (rarely, because I so prefer fiction), i tend to just accept what i read. In this setting, other people challenge and question the author, and it makes me think about it deeper than i would on my own.
4. Emails with close friends. Email is awesome. Sharing life with a friend, not just the what am i doing nows, the superficial whats going ons, but real-- soul struggles draw me closer to Christ, because the advice and encouragement is always founded on Christ's love. If a sinful person can love me like that, how much more is the father's heart?
5. Discussions, talks, emails, communications with spiritually older and more seasoned women. There is power in their joy, vivacity for life. I am envious and in awe of how they lead their lives, with the kinds of prayers they have and as much as my mind can say this or that about theological differences or concerns, i cannot doubt they live a life devoted and consumed by the Father.
6. Sermons in the car- i tend not to want to listen to sermons except on a long commute, perhaps it was a part of God's plan to make my commute everywhere 45-1hour. Matt Chandler is a beast.

Things that lead me away from Christ:
1. TV- I am able to sit down and watch 12 hours of tv straight. Its sick, but true. I enjoy too much vegging out and at the center of those thoughts is a sense of entitlement. "i've worked hard, i deserve to relax" kind of mentality and it not only wastes so much time, but leads me away from gratitude to God.
2. My messy room, i pretty much have no space to sit except in this chair. The floor is covered. Ideally, i would like an area to sit, pray on my knees, look to the word. Maybe the space thing is an excuse...
3. Getting worried about money-- I guess this is a given, but i'm not like my mom at all. I'm pretty weird about money, i never make a budget, sometimes i spend hoping i have enough but too scared to check my balance. eek. haha But thinking about money consumes all parts of my brain because then i start thinking about the future, about savings, about all this or that.. and it just makes it all about me.


Its time to put away handle things, stop putting them off.

Spiritual boredom

Ugh--

I realize so much of my spiritual stagnancy is in the fact that i am so bored. I have a hard time figuring out where the joy is, the spark, the will to keep doing the routine tasks of the day. I often ask myself-- "is this what its supposed to be like?" I think about people who are rifled with poverty and persecution, where the stakes are sky high when you profess Jesus as Lord. I want to be like this. I want to have joy on my face, I want life to be worth living and fulfilling. And yet its not. Its boring. I do nothing but watch hours of television, I feel too overwhelmed or lazy to do charity work, and my schedule is so scattered its ahrd to make any real plans because every week things change.

In spite of all the excuses, God in His graciousness is reminding me the point is not for me to just be content, fulfilled and joyful at my own life, but to struggle and contend for lives. I didn't get saved so I could just be saved, but to take part of the global purpose to reveal truth. It sounds so noble to be a nurse, or to work in healthcare at all, for the sake of "saving lives" and yet i so half-heartedly think about non-believers and the status of their souls.

Sometimes I fantasize about living in the bush, packing a bag and just going. The appeal is the adventure and real  physical need and desperation that draws us to Christ. And yet I can never escape God's sovereignty to place me here with purpose and intention. Where is the adventure here? The need and desperation? Perhaps stifled by selfishness and laziness. I used to hate these thoughts because I felt like it was just a guilt trip, but thank you Lord, you are showing me how loving these thoughts are and how good they are for my soul.

Lord- help me with my doubt, my disbelief, my sadness. Help me to have a compassion that extends beyond my own wants and needs. Help me to fight for hearts, and be lost in desperation for your name.

PLL & BM

Yay, everyone is done with school and is updating.

I've been sick this week and have spent an inordinate amount of time watching all kinds of television. Kind of embarassing to say, but I have somehow gotten sucked into Pretty Little Liars. And for all intents and purposes i have no idea why. The acting is... TERRIBLE. The story line- eh. And it pretty much portrays every stereotyped "teen girl" problem.

Acting from best to worst: Mya, Hannah, Aria, Spencer, Emily, Allyson.
Dude-- I'm pretty sure Mya is 30 haha, but she is in fact the most believable character, maybe because her lines are limited to 100 words per 3 episodes. Hannah is okay, although i'm pretty sure she isn't acting and that is how she talks and acts. Aria, eh. Overacts on any emotional outbreak. Spencer- she needs to find the balance between hard and soft, the transitions are disjointed and its hard to even get what kind of person she is.. Emily- oh..emily. She is horrible, she is gorgeous, but horrible. I can't even.. smh. Allyson, no wonder you got casted as the dead girl, eek.

Story lines:
1. Hanna- her story is a bit too fragmented. So she was fat and now shes not? Her family is poor but she has all designer bags, clothes? Her bf is her long time, PK, chaste middle school crush? She steals stuff? Wha...

2. Aria- ok ew. What kind of teacher goes after their student? How in.. any way would that be okay? Also her eyebrows are very dark and I would love to know what mascara she uses.

3. Spencer- um..? So her "perfect" sister keeps having her bf/fiance (s--as in plural) getting swept away by her HIGH SCHOOL sister. That is so weird. Tell me that girl ain't gonna be in therapy for a long time. She is stressed, overachieving-- which i can in some ways relate to in my high school experience, but its a bit beyond that. So she has time for 4.0, field hockey, SGA, essay contests, dating country club workers AND maintaining overwhelming friendships with these peeps? I doubt it.

4. Emily- the classic-- who am i sexually? I have no problems with this being shown, but its just so awkwardly done-- like "look how accepting we are of gays everyone! ABC Family is hip, we're cool!" eek, makes it feel forced. Oh and the acting once again, if I couldn't stress enough.. terrible. I guess she's half asian, so props to asia dad on the show. haha

5. Allyson- this doesn't really make sense. Well i missed a few episodes in between, I only saw what was on On Demand. But is she dead, as in they found her body? Is she pulling a 2pac?


Okay enough of PLL talk.

Another random rant-
Bruno Mars would be the WORST bf ever. Just the way you are- is all about her superficial beauty. The entire song never mentions any personality feature that he likes.. not one. Like being nice or funny? Those are pretty generic you could sneak in. Sigh-- another great message to our young ppl that its all about looks. 2nd- the grenade song--why are you so out of breath? When I hear the song I imagine someone singing and extending their arm out in desperation, neck veins all popping, look of crazy in their eyes. The part when he talks about their first kiss, the exasperation as to why her eyes were open is so intense, its comical. The song makes it seem like hes this great guy who would do anything for this girl who doesn't care at all about him. But really the song is about a guy who is mad the girl won't do the same things for him as he would for her. Think 500 Days of Summer. Anyways, i would never want to be with someone who values only physical and is incapable of accepting love beyond the way he himself can love. Oh yeah, he is annoying as crap.

Sick and shopping.

Arg being sick sucks! I randomly got sick and my voice is all gone. I slept for 14 hours yesterday and had to call out of 2 days of work, which sucks. I hate calling out because it leaves everyone hanging and it makes me feel like i have to explain myself. oh well.

Christmas shopping be hard. I normally have good gift ideas for most people, but don't have any this year. Am trying to maintain a night schedule so will have to wake up early to get to the mall before it closes. We should have a $20 max on everyone. But then everyone would end up with dvds and gift cards. Sigh.

My beta fish seems to be doing much better. After 2 rounds of antibiotics, daily water changes, things look better. He kept getting all sluggish and bloated. I fasted him for a while, did the pea thing-- but nothing worked. Not really sure what did it, but he seems much more alert. Stupid me for buying a fish with fin rot already present, but he was so active and vibrant at the store.

This was a random post.

Oh yeah, NE clinched the playoffs hehehee

Parents

A random korean lady came to our unit last night and didn't speak too much english. Seeing me from afar she said "she looks like me, she might know my language" which is kinda weird and awkward but i did my best to understand what she was saying even though i said in korean and with body language that i only know a little korean. From what i can gain, she was the daughter of a woman who had died on the floor around thanksgiving. I remember the name, becuase she was a korean lady and I gave CPR upon her decreasing heart rate. She essentially said she had come from Detroit to do all the funeral arrangements such and such, and needed to come to the final resting place, i guess for closure. I showed her her the room her mom died in and she left. But before leaving she told me to always treat my parents well, lest i have huge regrets for the rest of my life. I wondered what her relationship was like, what happened that made her say that. Maybe a falling out over her husband? her job? divorce? religion? so many thing..

That definitely grounded me a bit, and I do occasionally think about the what ifs, of when my parents die. Car accidents, heart attack, etc. I don't know what my initial reaction would be, but I think my grief would be crescendo with time. Shock and numbness first, then slow and steady acceptance and regret. We don't have a terrible relationship or disjointed one, but because our relationship is so shallow. I can't really tell you what my mom or dad likes or dislikes. I don't know the struggles they have, the financial concerns, where they are in their faith. I only know as much as a regular church member may know about them. My regret would be that even though I live and have grown under their caring hands, its really hard to even pinpoint who they are as people, apart from my parents.

What I know for sure I can say is that I love my parents and am appreciative for their care and concern-- for how they chose to be counter culture (korean that is) and tell me I can do whatever I want, that grades don't matter as long as I try, that they are proud of me. I am grateful for the food, shelter, clothing, and all the extra things they paid for to help me become myself. They never hit me, grounded me, or even yelled at me, ever.

I know my parents are alive and there is time to spend knowing them, but how? The obvious answer is more talks, but usually my mom especially doesn't seem so comfortable sharing personal info with me. She reluctantly agreed to show me her medications (which I have only seen once or twice). With my dad, i think it would be easier except for the fact we speak different languages. We have enough common denominators to get through small talk, but i have no idea how to talk about the things of God, of his struggles and fears in korean.

Hmm. Will need to pray for an answer.