Thoughts Post- TGC

I have been staying away from blogging because I felt stumped by what I had last written and then took down. I feel I have some resolve in my personal feminist dilemma, but that isn't what I want/need to write down and process.

Lannie, Eric and I attended the Gospel Coalition in Chicago over the last few days. I felt out of place to be in the midst of Pastors from all over, church planters, book-writers, people of God who are "contributing" to the kingdom. Yet in this shallow thought, God lovingly reminded me of His grace for all, that we ALL are offensive and filthy before a Holy God, without the gospel. Seminary degree or not,  church planting or not, book writing or not, we were all called to be at TGC for his purpose and design.

Of the many things I have learned, re-discovered, re-remembered about the Gospel, one thing stands out of what I most needed to be corrected on. God delivers his people in Exodus 14 out of the Red Sea but His mercy and power. The people did nothing to receive it, to earn it, and did nothing to "contribute" to the promiseland. God brought them from death (from the gaining Egyptians) to life, walking scratch free out of Egypt and looking back on the collapsed world power. How mistaken I was to believe I could contribute to Kingdom work, that if I was not "contributing," there was a sense of uselessness and despair. God does all of the work for us, He will bring the final consummation of his Kingdom, He regenerates us to even be qualified to step into His Kingdom. He is not like a slave driver forcing our hands into ministry after ministry, and if we should stop or rest we are worthless slaves. Contrarily, He freed us from our slavery.

Oh, how tender it is to be convicted by the Spirit. To not aggressively force my head into shame for my poor understanding of the gospel and poor understanding of Kingdom work, but rather whisper love and encouragement into my life. Revealing truth that is loving and uplifting, while in nature absolutely requiring of repentance.

Work has been a journey, the hardest of which has been my inability to control my sunday schedule, often working and unable to go to church. More than missing the sermons, I miss the people. I miss my sunday school class. I miss that there was an accountability on me, to prepare, love, pray for the people. I miss seeing faces that joyously rejoice in song over words like "You give and take away, You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Blessed be the name of the Lord." In no longer being a part of such a vital part of my life has been isolating, tiring. And the easiest lie to succumb to is that because I am no longer "doing" anything for church, I am thus not "doing" anything for God and therefore useless to Him.

I am reminded of God's full, relentless love for me. His heart that pursues after mine to worship and obey the One true God, not the church, not the busyness of church that receives much approval from man. I am reminded of the importance of church life outside sundays, how in need I am of community and prayer, and how I need to so guard my heart with faith that would quench the lies of the enemy, the word that would penetrate and deem lies useless to me, and daily reminders of the gospel, my salvation, my identity-- that i am made alive and regenerated into holy love and joy through the righteousness that was given to me through the substitutionary death of Jesus, the Son of God, and that in his death and resurrection, I was chosen to worship forever  a Holy God with no need for sacrifice for the countless inequities i have committed.

Who can love like Jesus? Who can reveal my own heart like He? Who lies my weary soul into pastures and brings my head to still waters? Who is like the God we serve? Let no man, no lie from the enemy, no sin of the flesh, no idolatry lead me away from Him who is life giving and who is the fullest, most clear example of unconditioned love.

Pearl Harbor Thoughts

There is absolutely nothing to do at night except watch tv. So for the like 4th time, i've watched bits and pieces of "Pearl Harbor" and i have mostly nothing good to say about it but there is one scene that I do particularly like.

1:51-3:53

Man. As a nurse-- could I do this? In case of some huge crisis where mass chaos, carnage overwhelm hospitals, would I be able to step up? Would I be able to remain calm, focused? Would I be able to send people to their deaths while triaging for the ones who have a chance? Scenes like this make me proud to be a part of this profession, but I wonder which instinct would win out. I'd love to say I'd fight through and be like Kate Beckinsale, but to be honest I think i'd be more like Jennifer Garner. I've never seen this kind of trauma on this scale in real life, and its too hard to say what I'd do in real life.

The best scenario I can compare to is seeing the crowded filled hallways and room in Mulago Labor and Delivery. I wanted to run so bad. The whole scene was heart breaking and daunting. I left and never went back, but maybe that was because I had a choice. In real life, i'd be there regardless of if I wanted in or out, does that change a person's instinctual response? Hm. Scenes like this also make me reflect on end times. I dont' know whats going to happen, but that there could potentially be some dark times ahead. I am reminded of Luke 21: 22-23 " for these are days of vengeance, to fulfill all that is written, Alas for women who are pregnant and for those who are nursing infants in those days! For there will be great distress upon the earth and wrath against this people." This was one of the verses that made me want to pursue women's healthcare and midwifery. Jesus takes pity on these people group of pregnant women and new mothers, it feels like an indirect call to help them.

Who knows where all of this will go or how it will go down. But I am thankful God is enough and is strong enough to take me where I may be unwilling to go.

New Years and stuff

My primary resolution is finish what I say I will do.

I need to do my laundry. I need to read more. Most of all I need to pray with joy again.

Maybe in all the wear and tear of the years, seeing some prayer requests answered, seeing some still up in the air, a part of me has lost the will to pray because i fear and stopped believing they would be heard. If I pray in thanks only for how the day had already went, the requirement for faith is significantly less because it already happened. How do I get to a more prayerfully bold life? Is it through prayer meeting? One of the first times I fell in love with prayer was in the covenant chapel with a few brothers and sisters. We had powerful prayers, we had devoted, desperate prayers. Of course I realize its not the meeting, but the community that made it so wonderful. But in order to get there, is a prayer meeting in order? Maybe, but I also want real personal prayer too. I'm having a hard time bridging what I want and what I do.

Things that draw my spirit closer to Christ:
1. Worship music, especially worship with a body of believers. There is something beautifully special about worshiping in community, I feel a togetherness and it makes me free before God.
2. Blogging, I try to think of interesting or deeper things to write about and it tends to steer my thoughts closer to Christ, of course not all the time, but for the most part .
3. Book club- a few friends have been gathering to read and discuss christian books and its helped increase my knowelege and thoughts about ministry. Also, whenever i read a christian book (rarely, because I so prefer fiction), i tend to just accept what i read. In this setting, other people challenge and question the author, and it makes me think about it deeper than i would on my own.
4. Emails with close friends. Email is awesome. Sharing life with a friend, not just the what am i doing nows, the superficial whats going ons, but real-- soul struggles draw me closer to Christ, because the advice and encouragement is always founded on Christ's love. If a sinful person can love me like that, how much more is the father's heart?
5. Discussions, talks, emails, communications with spiritually older and more seasoned women. There is power in their joy, vivacity for life. I am envious and in awe of how they lead their lives, with the kinds of prayers they have and as much as my mind can say this or that about theological differences or concerns, i cannot doubt they live a life devoted and consumed by the Father.
6. Sermons in the car- i tend not to want to listen to sermons except on a long commute, perhaps it was a part of God's plan to make my commute everywhere 45-1hour. Matt Chandler is a beast.

Things that lead me away from Christ:
1. TV- I am able to sit down and watch 12 hours of tv straight. Its sick, but true. I enjoy too much vegging out and at the center of those thoughts is a sense of entitlement. "i've worked hard, i deserve to relax" kind of mentality and it not only wastes so much time, but leads me away from gratitude to God.
2. My messy room, i pretty much have no space to sit except in this chair. The floor is covered. Ideally, i would like an area to sit, pray on my knees, look to the word. Maybe the space thing is an excuse...
3. Getting worried about money-- I guess this is a given, but i'm not like my mom at all. I'm pretty weird about money, i never make a budget, sometimes i spend hoping i have enough but too scared to check my balance. eek. haha But thinking about money consumes all parts of my brain because then i start thinking about the future, about savings, about all this or that.. and it just makes it all about me.


Its time to put away handle things, stop putting them off.