I have been staying away from blogging because I felt stumped by what I had last written and then took down. I feel I have some resolve in my personal feminist dilemma, but that isn't what I want/need to write down and process.
Lannie, Eric and I attended the Gospel Coalition in Chicago over the last few days. I felt out of place to be in the midst of Pastors from all over, church planters, book-writers, people of God who are "contributing" to the kingdom. Yet in this shallow thought, God lovingly reminded me of His grace for all, that we ALL are offensive and filthy before a Holy God, without the gospel. Seminary degree or not, church planting or not, book writing or not, we were all called to be at TGC for his purpose and design.
Of the many things I have learned, re-discovered, re-remembered about the Gospel, one thing stands out of what I most needed to be corrected on. God delivers his people in Exodus 14 out of the Red Sea but His mercy and power. The people did nothing to receive it, to earn it, and did nothing to "contribute" to the promiseland. God brought them from death (from the gaining Egyptians) to life, walking scratch free out of Egypt and looking back on the collapsed world power. How mistaken I was to believe I could contribute to Kingdom work, that if I was not "contributing," there was a sense of uselessness and despair. God does all of the work for us, He will bring the final consummation of his Kingdom, He regenerates us to even be qualified to step into His Kingdom. He is not like a slave driver forcing our hands into ministry after ministry, and if we should stop or rest we are worthless slaves. Contrarily, He freed us from our slavery.
Oh, how tender it is to be convicted by the Spirit. To not aggressively force my head into shame for my poor understanding of the gospel and poor understanding of Kingdom work, but rather whisper love and encouragement into my life. Revealing truth that is loving and uplifting, while in nature absolutely requiring of repentance.
Work has been a journey, the hardest of which has been my inability to control my sunday schedule, often working and unable to go to church. More than missing the sermons, I miss the people. I miss my sunday school class. I miss that there was an accountability on me, to prepare, love, pray for the people. I miss seeing faces that joyously rejoice in song over words like "You give and take away, You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Blessed be the name of the Lord." In no longer being a part of such a vital part of my life has been isolating, tiring. And the easiest lie to succumb to is that because I am no longer "doing" anything for church, I am thus not "doing" anything for God and therefore useless to Him.
I am reminded of God's full, relentless love for me. His heart that pursues after mine to worship and obey the One true God, not the church, not the busyness of church that receives much approval from man. I am reminded of the importance of church life outside sundays, how in need I am of community and prayer, and how I need to so guard my heart with faith that would quench the lies of the enemy, the word that would penetrate and deem lies useless to me, and daily reminders of the gospel, my salvation, my identity-- that i am made alive and regenerated into holy love and joy through the righteousness that was given to me through the substitutionary death of Jesus, the Son of God, and that in his death and resurrection, I was chosen to worship forever a Holy God with no need for sacrifice for the countless inequities i have committed.
Who can love like Jesus? Who can reveal my own heart like He? Who lies my weary soul into pastures and brings my head to still waters? Who is like the God we serve? Let no man, no lie from the enemy, no sin of the flesh, no idolatry lead me away from Him who is life giving and who is the fullest, most clear example of unconditioned love.
Lannie, Eric and I attended the Gospel Coalition in Chicago over the last few days. I felt out of place to be in the midst of Pastors from all over, church planters, book-writers, people of God who are "contributing" to the kingdom. Yet in this shallow thought, God lovingly reminded me of His grace for all, that we ALL are offensive and filthy before a Holy God, without the gospel. Seminary degree or not, church planting or not, book writing or not, we were all called to be at TGC for his purpose and design.
Of the many things I have learned, re-discovered, re-remembered about the Gospel, one thing stands out of what I most needed to be corrected on. God delivers his people in Exodus 14 out of the Red Sea but His mercy and power. The people did nothing to receive it, to earn it, and did nothing to "contribute" to the promiseland. God brought them from death (from the gaining Egyptians) to life, walking scratch free out of Egypt and looking back on the collapsed world power. How mistaken I was to believe I could contribute to Kingdom work, that if I was not "contributing," there was a sense of uselessness and despair. God does all of the work for us, He will bring the final consummation of his Kingdom, He regenerates us to even be qualified to step into His Kingdom. He is not like a slave driver forcing our hands into ministry after ministry, and if we should stop or rest we are worthless slaves. Contrarily, He freed us from our slavery.
Oh, how tender it is to be convicted by the Spirit. To not aggressively force my head into shame for my poor understanding of the gospel and poor understanding of Kingdom work, but rather whisper love and encouragement into my life. Revealing truth that is loving and uplifting, while in nature absolutely requiring of repentance.
Work has been a journey, the hardest of which has been my inability to control my sunday schedule, often working and unable to go to church. More than missing the sermons, I miss the people. I miss my sunday school class. I miss that there was an accountability on me, to prepare, love, pray for the people. I miss seeing faces that joyously rejoice in song over words like "You give and take away, You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Blessed be the name of the Lord." In no longer being a part of such a vital part of my life has been isolating, tiring. And the easiest lie to succumb to is that because I am no longer "doing" anything for church, I am thus not "doing" anything for God and therefore useless to Him.
I am reminded of God's full, relentless love for me. His heart that pursues after mine to worship and obey the One true God, not the church, not the busyness of church that receives much approval from man. I am reminded of the importance of church life outside sundays, how in need I am of community and prayer, and how I need to so guard my heart with faith that would quench the lies of the enemy, the word that would penetrate and deem lies useless to me, and daily reminders of the gospel, my salvation, my identity-- that i am made alive and regenerated into holy love and joy through the righteousness that was given to me through the substitutionary death of Jesus, the Son of God, and that in his death and resurrection, I was chosen to worship forever a Holy God with no need for sacrifice for the countless inequities i have committed.
Who can love like Jesus? Who can reveal my own heart like He? Who lies my weary soul into pastures and brings my head to still waters? Who is like the God we serve? Let no man, no lie from the enemy, no sin of the flesh, no idolatry lead me away from Him who is life giving and who is the fullest, most clear example of unconditioned love.
girrrrl. i wrote out a post-tgc entry on the plane and i'm about to put it up. sososo glad we went and were blessed the way we were. God is good is an understatement. i will never tire of our chats, laughs, and meals. hahhaa.
ReplyDeletebtw, i'm glad my name came before eric's. <3