Spiritual boredom

Ugh--

I realize so much of my spiritual stagnancy is in the fact that i am so bored. I have a hard time figuring out where the joy is, the spark, the will to keep doing the routine tasks of the day. I often ask myself-- "is this what its supposed to be like?" I think about people who are rifled with poverty and persecution, where the stakes are sky high when you profess Jesus as Lord. I want to be like this. I want to have joy on my face, I want life to be worth living and fulfilling. And yet its not. Its boring. I do nothing but watch hours of television, I feel too overwhelmed or lazy to do charity work, and my schedule is so scattered its ahrd to make any real plans because every week things change.

In spite of all the excuses, God in His graciousness is reminding me the point is not for me to just be content, fulfilled and joyful at my own life, but to struggle and contend for lives. I didn't get saved so I could just be saved, but to take part of the global purpose to reveal truth. It sounds so noble to be a nurse, or to work in healthcare at all, for the sake of "saving lives" and yet i so half-heartedly think about non-believers and the status of their souls.

Sometimes I fantasize about living in the bush, packing a bag and just going. The appeal is the adventure and real  physical need and desperation that draws us to Christ. And yet I can never escape God's sovereignty to place me here with purpose and intention. Where is the adventure here? The need and desperation? Perhaps stifled by selfishness and laziness. I used to hate these thoughts because I felt like it was just a guilt trip, but thank you Lord, you are showing me how loving these thoughts are and how good they are for my soul.

Lord- help me with my doubt, my disbelief, my sadness. Help me to have a compassion that extends beyond my own wants and needs. Help me to fight for hearts, and be lost in desperation for your name.

PLL & BM

Yay, everyone is done with school and is updating.

I've been sick this week and have spent an inordinate amount of time watching all kinds of television. Kind of embarassing to say, but I have somehow gotten sucked into Pretty Little Liars. And for all intents and purposes i have no idea why. The acting is... TERRIBLE. The story line- eh. And it pretty much portrays every stereotyped "teen girl" problem.

Acting from best to worst: Mya, Hannah, Aria, Spencer, Emily, Allyson.
Dude-- I'm pretty sure Mya is 30 haha, but she is in fact the most believable character, maybe because her lines are limited to 100 words per 3 episodes. Hannah is okay, although i'm pretty sure she isn't acting and that is how she talks and acts. Aria, eh. Overacts on any emotional outbreak. Spencer- she needs to find the balance between hard and soft, the transitions are disjointed and its hard to even get what kind of person she is.. Emily- oh..emily. She is horrible, she is gorgeous, but horrible. I can't even.. smh. Allyson, no wonder you got casted as the dead girl, eek.

Story lines:
1. Hanna- her story is a bit too fragmented. So she was fat and now shes not? Her family is poor but she has all designer bags, clothes? Her bf is her long time, PK, chaste middle school crush? She steals stuff? Wha...

2. Aria- ok ew. What kind of teacher goes after their student? How in.. any way would that be okay? Also her eyebrows are very dark and I would love to know what mascara she uses.

3. Spencer- um..? So her "perfect" sister keeps having her bf/fiance (s--as in plural) getting swept away by her HIGH SCHOOL sister. That is so weird. Tell me that girl ain't gonna be in therapy for a long time. She is stressed, overachieving-- which i can in some ways relate to in my high school experience, but its a bit beyond that. So she has time for 4.0, field hockey, SGA, essay contests, dating country club workers AND maintaining overwhelming friendships with these peeps? I doubt it.

4. Emily- the classic-- who am i sexually? I have no problems with this being shown, but its just so awkwardly done-- like "look how accepting we are of gays everyone! ABC Family is hip, we're cool!" eek, makes it feel forced. Oh and the acting once again, if I couldn't stress enough.. terrible. I guess she's half asian, so props to asia dad on the show. haha

5. Allyson- this doesn't really make sense. Well i missed a few episodes in between, I only saw what was on On Demand. But is she dead, as in they found her body? Is she pulling a 2pac?


Okay enough of PLL talk.

Another random rant-
Bruno Mars would be the WORST bf ever. Just the way you are- is all about her superficial beauty. The entire song never mentions any personality feature that he likes.. not one. Like being nice or funny? Those are pretty generic you could sneak in. Sigh-- another great message to our young ppl that its all about looks. 2nd- the grenade song--why are you so out of breath? When I hear the song I imagine someone singing and extending their arm out in desperation, neck veins all popping, look of crazy in their eyes. The part when he talks about their first kiss, the exasperation as to why her eyes were open is so intense, its comical. The song makes it seem like hes this great guy who would do anything for this girl who doesn't care at all about him. But really the song is about a guy who is mad the girl won't do the same things for him as he would for her. Think 500 Days of Summer. Anyways, i would never want to be with someone who values only physical and is incapable of accepting love beyond the way he himself can love. Oh yeah, he is annoying as crap.

Sick and shopping.

Arg being sick sucks! I randomly got sick and my voice is all gone. I slept for 14 hours yesterday and had to call out of 2 days of work, which sucks. I hate calling out because it leaves everyone hanging and it makes me feel like i have to explain myself. oh well.

Christmas shopping be hard. I normally have good gift ideas for most people, but don't have any this year. Am trying to maintain a night schedule so will have to wake up early to get to the mall before it closes. We should have a $20 max on everyone. But then everyone would end up with dvds and gift cards. Sigh.

My beta fish seems to be doing much better. After 2 rounds of antibiotics, daily water changes, things look better. He kept getting all sluggish and bloated. I fasted him for a while, did the pea thing-- but nothing worked. Not really sure what did it, but he seems much more alert. Stupid me for buying a fish with fin rot already present, but he was so active and vibrant at the store.

This was a random post.

Oh yeah, NE clinched the playoffs hehehee

Parents

A random korean lady came to our unit last night and didn't speak too much english. Seeing me from afar she said "she looks like me, she might know my language" which is kinda weird and awkward but i did my best to understand what she was saying even though i said in korean and with body language that i only know a little korean. From what i can gain, she was the daughter of a woman who had died on the floor around thanksgiving. I remember the name, becuase she was a korean lady and I gave CPR upon her decreasing heart rate. She essentially said she had come from Detroit to do all the funeral arrangements such and such, and needed to come to the final resting place, i guess for closure. I showed her her the room her mom died in and she left. But before leaving she told me to always treat my parents well, lest i have huge regrets for the rest of my life. I wondered what her relationship was like, what happened that made her say that. Maybe a falling out over her husband? her job? divorce? religion? so many thing..

That definitely grounded me a bit, and I do occasionally think about the what ifs, of when my parents die. Car accidents, heart attack, etc. I don't know what my initial reaction would be, but I think my grief would be crescendo with time. Shock and numbness first, then slow and steady acceptance and regret. We don't have a terrible relationship or disjointed one, but because our relationship is so shallow. I can't really tell you what my mom or dad likes or dislikes. I don't know the struggles they have, the financial concerns, where they are in their faith. I only know as much as a regular church member may know about them. My regret would be that even though I live and have grown under their caring hands, its really hard to even pinpoint who they are as people, apart from my parents.

What I know for sure I can say is that I love my parents and am appreciative for their care and concern-- for how they chose to be counter culture (korean that is) and tell me I can do whatever I want, that grades don't matter as long as I try, that they are proud of me. I am grateful for the food, shelter, clothing, and all the extra things they paid for to help me become myself. They never hit me, grounded me, or even yelled at me, ever.

I know my parents are alive and there is time to spend knowing them, but how? The obvious answer is more talks, but usually my mom especially doesn't seem so comfortable sharing personal info with me. She reluctantly agreed to show me her medications (which I have only seen once or twice). With my dad, i think it would be easier except for the fact we speak different languages. We have enough common denominators to get through small talk, but i have no idea how to talk about the things of God, of his struggles and fears in korean.

Hmm. Will need to pray for an answer.

Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens

Boo, am still adjusting to the night schedule so had a hard time sleeping through the day. It doesn't help that my window is close to our neighbor's side door, which is where the nanny and kids have lots of conversation. Also, the light blocking curtains I got are too small for my window, which allows lots of light to come in. Better than nothing, but still. 

New things that I am enjoying:

1. Bluetooth. Eric got me one, I guess from a post-black friday sale, but it is nice. It fits well, connects automatically, has ease of use-- which for a noob like me is awesome. We were previously just talking on speaker phone to somewhat comply with the new MD law, but every 5 seconds we'd have to repeat ourselves bcause of so much environmental noise. Bluetooth be clear! So now we are nerds we used to hate on, talking to ourselves haha. 

2. Bare Minerals- Angie had this a long time ago and I occasionally used it but was able to get a good deal on a starter set. First, its easy. I don't do well with foundations, blending-- usually end up with a bit too much. Plus my face is super dry so it gets all flaky and looks gross. But-- it does what it says, softens and the make up is light. It doesn't take long it is a lot more subtle. The brushes are really soft and professional feeling, which makes me feel urban and chic for owning them, and additional incentive to use them. Hmm, have yet to wear it more than once, but so far I am pleased. 

3. Rio Membership- I got added to my mom's account for 10 a month, which is nice because we can split the outrageous individual membership by half, which is much more affordable. I don't know why, but free towels makes me want to gym it up. The steam room and locker room is really nice and I enjoy going to the gym. Since Rio is so close to all my suburban needs, its not really a hassle to go. I don't know what restaurant is outside, but the food smell tasty! Best marketing ever. Weird things-- in the shower room, they re-engineered due to my guess, hair overload. So at the edge of each shower stall, closest to the nozzle, is a hair trough. Its like a canal of hair that leads to the drain. When its clean you don't notice, but usually its like a wig sprinkled in a narrow opening. hahah

4. Google reader- wow-- now i can check blogs and such really easily. This.. is so much better than trying to read individually from links. (duh), but had to give it props, e-props. 

5. Night guard- My dentist fitted me with this night guard because i kept clenching my teeth and night, leading to soreness in the morning and fears of my teeth cracking. I thought it would be mad uncomfortable and potentially drool dangerous, but surprisingly I sleep well, my teeth aren't sore and I don't wake up in pools of drool. 

That is all for today. Happy Thursdays-- watch 30 Rock!

Love Actually

I was going to write an entry about terrible gifts, which in a nutshell are gift cards, shoes, and chocolate (thoughtless, unsure if it will fit, and mean). But got to thinking about a variety of tangents and about relationships. 

First and foremost-- we are His children. We belong to Him, period. Nothing against Taylor Swift, but the thought that someone is "mine" is so wrong and leads to danger. And no where in the bible does it say we all get to be married, so I'm not sure why we all assume we will be. Second-- there is no "one." The purpose of marriage, in its purest form, was to glorify God in community, in sacred oneness of body, soul, and mind. Therefore the idea that you could glorify God in this way with only one person in the whole earth is absurd. We are affected by the people we are around and I know for certain that should any of us move to another country for an extended period of time, we would be attracted to someone in that setting. While there is no "one," that doesn't mean we just settle for any one. 

To the ladies, some thoughts. If you are in high school, wait. Develop yourself, understand your likes, dislikes. Formulate opinions, talents, and gifts. Sharpen them. High school is one of the most critical time periods of self identity. We want to be loved, pursued, cherished, and when it seems to dissolve, often girls will compromise bits of themselves to make it work. The time you could have spent on extracurriculars, on new opportunities is spent with the bf. The time that could have been spent on establishing deeper friendships, is spent with the bf. His humor, his interests will collide with yours, and it will be hard to figure what you really liked or didn't.  I'm not saying you are incapable of decision making, just that its easy to love hard, and give up on opportunities for self growth.

College is tricky because everyone is sort of everywhere, but general rule of thumb, don't date first year. This year is all about adjustment, and often the time where people come to terms with the decision to believe and be a disciple of Christ, or live for themselves. Aside from all the youth retreats, all the events, the church history in the family-- usually it is during this time periods people must decide for themselves. So spend this time making that decision. Guys-- dont' prey on freshmen, it ain't right. Let them adjust, let them get plugged into a fellowship, establish sisterly relationships and accountability. If you have your eye on a freshmen girl, observe. Does she exhibit Christ like qualities in the midst of this huge adjustment? Is she proactive in her faith? Who are her friends? 

Onwards, I think it becomes a much more case by case issue. But i have to say-- don't settle!! I think a lot of times, we see other girls happy, other people in couple format, and we feel lonely. We feel like we are missing out, because we are waiting for a guy who is a man of God, not a boy. We wonder if we are attractive physically, mentally, spiritually. I don't think these are terrible thoughts because it does lead to introspection. However-- this should not be the reason for begining a relationship. Because being with someone who has no real interest in the Lord, no desire to grow, who is unteachable brings tremenous heart ache and pain. In the end, the fundamental purpose and goal of the relationship is disjointed. One may view God as the goal, the other may see happiness and marriage as the goal. Relationships are messy-- two sinners whose hearts are prone to idolatry of themselves or to the other- well, its a bad combo, compounded with one person who has no interest in God-- mm makes it even worse. 

I remember Ruth sahmo said this in the Philippines-- its not about where the guy is spiritually right now-- but how teachable they are. As in, even if they are fairly new believers-- do they have a good projection for growth? Are they hungry for the word? Do they actively seek discipleship, accountability? If they have been a believer for a while-- do you see fruit in their lives? Are they consistent in their devotion to the Lord? Do they have brothers who can keep him accountable? or are they stagnant in their faith and/or exhibit no discipline? 

I think its okay for girls, when pursued by a guy to ask and to say-- "Do you have___ in your life? You need to grow in ____ area before we can think about a relationship." Likewise, guys-- look for a girl who has the boldness to say this, the wisdom to know, and patience to wait until you get there. 

The best way to know if you are ready for a relationship is to look at your own relationship with God. Are you consistent and reliable? Are you humble and bold for Christ? Are you patient, loving, kind, gentle, faithful, self controlled? Not that you have to be perfect, of course, because then no one would be married. Just saying these can be good indicators in terms of how "ready" you are, if there was such a thing. Of course i say this knowing full well, i'm not married and my relationship with eric didn't exactly start this way either. But i do think if it did, maybe we could have saved ourselves from a lot of fights and struggles. No one has to obey my words, haha, just some thoughts on e-paper.  

Hello.

I've decided for a change. No real gripe against wordpress, though my love for google does run deep. Its a bit much to go super deep into my soul searchings for a first entry. I tried importing my old blog here, but there was an error? (i'm a computer noob), but hey-- may be for the best-- a complete new start. Well, i still saved the entries I liked in word (is that vain?).

The easiest thing to write about at this point is myself, haha-- well maybe just the things I like.

Personal Top 5 Movies
1. Sound of Music-  Probably one of the only musicals I like. (but this one i love). I watched this so many times as a kid, well-- only video one-- the natzi part was a bit dark for an 8 year old. A rebellious nun? Rebellious children? Curtains into jumpsuits? I mean-- what is not to love? The fact that it is a real story makes it so much better.

2. The Hours- this is my go to sad movie. Its a bit hard to watch without reading the book, but its just so beautiful and sad. A story of three women, who are living lives of quiet desperation, a portrait of their whole life in just one day. How each cope, who survives, and though their lives in it of themselves are so different, they are one in the same.

3. Amelie- The music, the story, the quirkiness, its great. I love how simple the story is, about the little things in life. How the details of our lives define us, and just how risky the little things can be.

4. and 5. are usually substituted for various movies, either American Beauty, Zoolander, Harry Potter (all of them), Pride and Prejudice (BBC), etc.

Type of Music I enjoy
-Neo-Soul, particularly female vocals.
-Indie/pop (is that the right genre), particularly female vocals
-Britney Spears.

Common theme- i like listening to music where I feel i could be the one singing it. Hard for me to relate to boy  songs, haha. Although, i don't often imagine myself being overprotected or unsure as to whether i am a girl or a woman, or singing If you seek Amy, but hey, everyone has a guilty pleasure-- and mine is awesome.

For some reason, i have been extraordinarily blessed with being able to travel a lot. I have been able to live in London, and travel through Florence, Venice, Rome, Munich, Amsterdam, and Oxford. I went to the Philippines, Korea, South Africa, Mozambique, Swaziland, Israel, Uganda, Egypt, Greece, Spain, and London/Oxford again. I don't know how it happened, or why, but I am so grateful for all the experiences and know that I love travel. I love touching down on a totally different land, walking where history happened, seeing old fragments of prior centuries attached to modern buildings and different times. New foods, new languages, feeling victorious after navigating through a city. Its a gust of fresh air and perspective for me. Places I would love to go to: India, Peru, Indonesia, Brazil.

Can't really think of other "first date" kind of topics to elaborate on at this time. My goal is to be consistent with this blog. Wish me luck.