Spiritual boredom

Ugh--

I realize so much of my spiritual stagnancy is in the fact that i am so bored. I have a hard time figuring out where the joy is, the spark, the will to keep doing the routine tasks of the day. I often ask myself-- "is this what its supposed to be like?" I think about people who are rifled with poverty and persecution, where the stakes are sky high when you profess Jesus as Lord. I want to be like this. I want to have joy on my face, I want life to be worth living and fulfilling. And yet its not. Its boring. I do nothing but watch hours of television, I feel too overwhelmed or lazy to do charity work, and my schedule is so scattered its ahrd to make any real plans because every week things change.

In spite of all the excuses, God in His graciousness is reminding me the point is not for me to just be content, fulfilled and joyful at my own life, but to struggle and contend for lives. I didn't get saved so I could just be saved, but to take part of the global purpose to reveal truth. It sounds so noble to be a nurse, or to work in healthcare at all, for the sake of "saving lives" and yet i so half-heartedly think about non-believers and the status of their souls.

Sometimes I fantasize about living in the bush, packing a bag and just going. The appeal is the adventure and real  physical need and desperation that draws us to Christ. And yet I can never escape God's sovereignty to place me here with purpose and intention. Where is the adventure here? The need and desperation? Perhaps stifled by selfishness and laziness. I used to hate these thoughts because I felt like it was just a guilt trip, but thank you Lord, you are showing me how loving these thoughts are and how good they are for my soul.

Lord- help me with my doubt, my disbelief, my sadness. Help me to have a compassion that extends beyond my own wants and needs. Help me to fight for hearts, and be lost in desperation for your name.